I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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