I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
