If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
