I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
