Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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