In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
