We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
