I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
