My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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