You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
