I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
