Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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