well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
