why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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