fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
