Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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