she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
