but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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