I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
