I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
