I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
