I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
