We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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