i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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