and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
