I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
