im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
