just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
