Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
