yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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