I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
