tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
