YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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