Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I faked an abortion last night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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