I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
