Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
