can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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