guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
they need to just BURY HIM!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
