I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
