Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
