Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
