dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize