im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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