I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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