We're like a lot better than the average bears
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize