I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
