Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize