they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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