We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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