Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
