I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
