so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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